The Surgery ... Before and After

Monday night was by far the most pain I've ever been in. It felt like my worst period by far. No medicine I took helped ... I would finally get comfortable enough that it didn't hurt, but then the pain would find me again. Using the wonderful 'hospital pain chart,' I would have placed myself at an eight or nine. At about 1 o'clock in the morning, I passed a lot of blood and tissue. If I had planned a natural miscarriage, I would have said that was it. But since I had already scheduled the D&C for Wednesday, I decided to go thru with it anyway. Jaimie and I talked about having it done just to make sure everything was out and there would be nothing that could cause harm to me or the next baby we would try to conceive.

Tuesday I went back to the doctor to get a laminaria or two placed in my cervix to help dilate it so it wouldn't have to be forced open during the D&C. The placement was a little uncomfortable because my cervix tilts off to the left, but once they were in, I felt fine. There was a lot less bleeding from that point on as well.

Yesterday morning I was scheduled for a D&C, which is the removal of tissue in the uterus after miscarriage. Jaimie and I were up at 5:00 am and got to the hospital at 5:30. They set me up in a little room and started to get me ready for the surgery at 7:00. My nurse, Leona, was very nice and made me feel as comfortable as I could in spite of the circumstances. Jaimie stayed by my side the whole time until they had to take me to the OR.

They gave me some mighty fine drugs, because I was out in just a few minutes once they got me to the OR. They placed an oxygen mask on me and just told me to take deep breaths. Next thing I knew I was in recovery and the nurse was talking next to me. I laid there for a while very sleepy, but finally started to really wake up. My doctor, Dr. Stearnes, came in and did a quick ultrasound and said everything went great. The nurse asked me if I was in pain ...I was having a little discomfort in my abdomen, so they gave me a shot in my IV.

After a few minutes they wheeled me to the secondary recovery room and had me sit up in a chair. They had Jaimie come back in and he looked so relieved. I felt so bad that my poor baby had to sit out in the waiting room for nearly two hours. The nurse brought me the most delicious apple cinnamon muffin ever! and some apple juice and while I ate they monitored my vitals and finished up some paperwork. I had really expected to be pretty out of it still ...but everyone was surprised at how awake and mobile I was. Finally I was allowed to get dressed and Jaimie went to pull the car around.

Just after Jaimie walked out of the room, the nurse came back in carrying a small quilt and a card. She explained that it was something the hospital did to help honor the memory of the baby we lost. It was so incredibly sweet ...and I started to cry. Jaimie walked back in the room and I told him about the blanket. He hugged me and comforted me ...he is truly such a wonderful man!! I don't know what I would have done without him. The tag on the quilt says "Budded on earth ... to bloom in heaven."

Since I have been home, I have been feeling fantastic physically. Dr. Stearnes prescribed Percoset and Motrin for pain, as well as an antibiotic. Right before I left the hospital, they gave me a Percoset, and I've only taken two of my own since then. I expected to be sleeping most of the day yesterday, but only ended up taking a nap for about an hour. Based on that fabulous pain chart, I'd say the worst my pain has been is about a two. It's mostly just "gassy" discomfort ...and actually, my throat was hurting more than anything else because they had put a breathing tube in during the surgery. Since the surgery, the bleeding has slowed to nearly a stop, which I am very grateful for. I go back on Feb. 5th to see Dr. Stearnes again for a follow-up.

Jaimie waited on me hand and foot all day. Even tho I was feeling so great, he still made sure to help me if I needed to go to the bathroom and he made me lunch and dinner. <3 I have discovered a new favorite thing to drink: Sunny D. For those of you who've known me all or most of my life will be like "NO WAY!" Yes way! =D So far it's the closest thing to orange juice I've ever drank and liked. =D Who knows ...maybe orange juice will be next!! lol

Thank you all so much for your love and support during this emotionally difficult time. Without it, I don't know what I'd do!! I love you all!!!!!

In the Arms of the Angels

This past week has definitely been the longest, most emotional week of my life. It all started last Monday when I noticed some brownish spotting on the toilet paper. Of course, my first reaction was to freak out, but I told myself to stay calm and monitor it. Brown blood indicates "old blood" and I wasn't cramping or anything. By late Monday afternoon, it had stopped. But, on Thursday it started again ...but again I monitored it. I thought that perhaps because Jaimie and I had had sex the nights before the bleeding it was just caused by rubbing or something.

Friday morning, however, I really started to worry ...when I wiped there were small bits of tissue mixed with the blood. It was almost as if I was starting my period. So Jaimie finished up the job he was on and came home and took me to the ER. From there, things just snowballed. The nurse couldn't find the heartbeat with a Doppler (which, of course, she tried to reassure me could mean the baby was a mover), I was poked and prodded everywhere, and the ultrasound tech was as quiet as a grave. It was this last one that made it start to sink in for us. If everything was ok, the tech would have showed us a heartbeat and the baby right off the bat. But she went along to take nearly 50 pictures without saying a word. And when Jaimie asked her questions, she deftly avoided them by saying "Because of liability, I can't tell you anything because the radiologist needs to see the pictures."

Finally, after more waiting, the physician's assistant returned and told us that I had a miscarriage. For being 12 weeks along, my hormone levels should have been in the 60,000+ range, but were only at 3,000. The fetus was also only measuring 8 weeks. So, not only do I find out we lost our baby, but we find out this happened a month ago. And of course, a ton of horrid thought pass thru my mind: if the people at the first ultrasound had been actual doctors and nurses, we would have known this a month ago; and when we told friends and family, our baby had stopped growing.

It has been the most devastating moment of my life thus far. Jaimie and I just held each other and cried.

We spent the weekend trying to recuperate emotionally and physically (for me, anyway). I was amazed at how not even an hour after we found out, my body kicked into gear and I started cramping and bleeding more. It was like it finally had the confirmation it had been waiting for. For a month, my mind has thought I was pregnant and kinda kept it going. The same pants I wore yesterday did not fit me last Monday, but were only slightly tight yesterday. It makes me understand how hypochondriacs can make themselves so sick. If they believe something so much, their mind can trick their body into being sick. Well, mine tricked me for a whole month before signs showed otherwise.

Everything reminds me of what we've lost ...TV is definitely not something to watch after you've had a loss like this. It's bad enough the things your own mind comes up with, but seeing commercials and shows with babies just hurts more than I ever thought it would. The morning before I went to the hospital, I had won an auction for a maternity outfit that I now won't need ... I have books from the library and newsletters in my email inbox ... and I just bought a bottle of cocoa butter lotion to help with stretch marks. Now I feel so lost ... and every time I think about or see these things, I feel so sad and angry.

One in five women have a miscarriage, and despite that that was my biggest fear after I found out I was pregnant, I never thought it would happen to me. Jaimie and I just keep reminding ourselves that it was nothing we did ...he keeps telling me how proud he was of me for taking care of myself so well. But I can't help it when those little evil thoughts like, "Maybe my bath water was too hot," "Did I drink one too many cans of soda?" "Did we jostle the baby around when we were having sex?" pop into my head! It's so hard not to blame yourself, but I am lucky enough to have the love and support of Jaimie and all my friends and family to remind me that there is nothing we should have done differently.

Yesterday I had an appointment at an OB to talk about getting a D&C done. I go in tonight to get something placed in my cervix to help dilate it, then at an ungodly hour on Wednesday morning Jaimie and I will head to the hospital for the procedure. As much as I'm not looking forward to this, I know it's for the best. When Jaimie and I decide to try again we won't have to worry about anything that was "left behind" that could harm the next baby. And as scared as I am of this happening again, I do wish we weren't going to wait so long to try again. But Jaimie wants to "do things in order" this time. 'Screw order!' I say. =D But next time, I'll be on his insurance and he says we'll go to the doctor every day to check on the baby.

So that is where things stand at this point. Like many healthy young women, I never thought I would ever have to experience a miscarriage. It's awful how many doubts it can put in an already worried woman's mind ...but now I understand so much better the pain, grief, and loss so many women face every day when they lose their unborn child. It is nothing I would wish on anyone else.

Flutterbys

Last night I was just laying on the couch with Jaimie watching Law and Order: SVU when I felt a fluttering in my stomach ...kinda like butterflies. "OMG!" I thought, "that's the baby!" lol Whether it was the first time I felt the baby move, or just gas (hah!) it was still really *really* cool!!

I think I got myself a little too excited and anxious and started imagining things from there on out ...despite my pleas with my brain to calm down! lol So we'll see if it happens again while I'm just relaxing on the couch with Jaimie! =D I'm sure it's all I'll be thinking about now ...so hopefully I won't psych myself out again!! =D

The Mystery of the Purty Roses

So, last night, about five minutes after Jaimie got home from work, a UPS guy knocked on the door. Both of us were wondering who got a package! It was a long box, addressed to me, from 1-800-flowers!! "Who sent me flowers?" I wondered ...and I'm sure Jaimie wondered the same thing!! lol

As I tried to pry the message card off the box, I kept asking Jaimie if he had sent them. I knew we're strapped on money, but thought he found a way around it. lol So I finally got the card off ...read it ...and was still left puzzled. The message read:

CONGRATS, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE AN EXCELLENT MOMMY. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TERRIBLY. I WISH I COULD BE THERE WITH YOU DURING THIS EXCITING TIME. KEEP US UPDATED W/LOTS OF PICS!! LOVE YA!

Where's the name? Who sent it?? Jaimie and I pondered the message and came up with two 'culprits' ... my mom and my best friend Dawn. Because of the way the message was worded, I was leaning more towards Dawn. I think mom would have used 'we' for her and my father throughout the whole message, not just at the end. ^.^ And since my parents, grandmother, brother, and Dawn have been the only ones who've expressed a lot of excitement over the news of the baby, I knew it had to be one of them! =D

So, this morning I emailed Dawn to ask for her help to solve the mystery. And ....she is guilty as charged! lol =D She had typed, "Love ya, Dawn" at the end of the message, but hadn't realized she ran out of space! =D So, just another THANK YOU to my best friend, Dawn! =D The flowers are beautiful and the vase is just awesome!

The Scooby Gang would be so proud... lol

Baby's First Picture!!

After quite an annoying and emotional night, we finally got to see our little alien Newt! =D I've been looking at ultrasound pictures for a couple weeks now, and I have to say, our baby's lookin' pretty big!! =D The tech measured the baby to be 7 weeks and 6 days old, but I think I'll stick to my original 9 weeks, 5 days (using the due date calculators doctors have, I'm 10 weeks ...lol, my dating is kinda in the middle!)

I had hoped to see the heartbeat (fetal pole), but as badly as this night was going, I wasn't going to push my luck. The tech didn't say anything was wrong and he never sounded worried while he was jabbing me with that stupid 'dildo'. So I trust that baby is doing excellently and is happy not to be poked at anymore!

I also started a slideshow on www.rockyou.com "showcasing" my slowly growing belly. As the weeks go by I'll be adding new slides. I think it will be neat to see the progression. I can already see a difference between the 4 week picture and the 9 week! It's pretty cool!! So here it is!

...And a Happy (thhbbbbb!) New Year!!