Tuesday, September 9, 2008

More Funny Pregnancy Stuff

It's always nice to get a good laugh ... especially when your hormones like to be all over the place! Here's some great "Pregnancy F.A.Q.'s" for you to enjoy (it was long so I copy/pasted my faves!) and my smart ass comments in italics!! lol


Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all ((I'll attest to that!))

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex just once a year ((But what fun would that be?!))

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device ((Also something my father probably wishes I could have had!))

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already ((I'll start with two and work my way up to four! lol))

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college ((This one had Jaimie laughing! =D))

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better ((...Guess it's not the flu...))

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember ((And to think my memory was bad to begin with ... wait, who am I and what am I doing here?!?!))

Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what your doing with them ((*wink wink* lol!))

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers

Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A: Brute force

Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful!

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for ((LMAO! I love this one!!))

Q: When should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks

Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts. ((OMG, can you blame him?! It's like having a boob job!))

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare. ((That's what those silos here are for!!))

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly

Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos

Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control

Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey


And one more joke that I couldn't resist. I'm definitely going to be careful of where I sit from now on!

Look Up Before You Sit Down

(This is from an actual trial in the UK.)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" The case was dismissed.

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